JHE Solves Your Relationship Problems: Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right now

Dear Jean,

My older sister has been working in a bookshop for four years now and our family is very good friends with the family that own the bookshop. I’ve always “liked” the son of the bookshop owner, but over the past year I’ve become really friendly with this boy and come to realise that actually, I like him an awful lot.

My friends keep telling me that I should just tell him and that it seems like he likes me whenever he’s around me and that I’d regret it if I didn’t say anything before he goes to university next year (he’s two years older than I am and on a gap year), but I’m worried that if my friends have misinterpreted things and he tells everyone in our families, it’d be really embarrassing. I’m also hideously shy, so I have no idea how to even start a conversation like that. I’ve gone out with boys, but I’ve never asked one out, so I have absolutely no idea where to start.

If it was any other boy, I’d be inclined to just try and forget about him, but I’ve liked this boy for a good four years now and I don’t want to simply watch him walk away to university knowing that I had the opportunity to tell him how I felt but completely ruined my chances.

I know I’m probably being pathetic, but I honestly have absolutely no idea what to do.

- Feeling A Little Pathetic

***
Dear Miss Feeling,

Oh, how I feel for you. Everyone’s been in your position at one time or another. Even I have been there once in a while, and I am a relationship expert and was born in the 1980s.

So first of all: you’re not being pathetic. You’re just having a natural response to this situation, which is a fear of rejection. It’s a natural fear to have but it is such a shame when it gets in the way of people expressing their feelings - as I write in the book, sometimes it results in something that could be The Greatest Love of All becoming The Greatest Near-Miss of All because both parties are too scared to be the ones to put their feelings on the line.

Now, let’s consider the two possible approaches you can take to tackling this particular conundrum.

1) Say nothing. This way you will be able to avoid being rejected. It also means that you will likely spend your remaining time together hoping that he’ll say something; he might not, and then he will go away to university and you may well continue to feel a bit sad and pathetic.

2) Tell him you like him. He may respond, ‘great, I like you too!’ and you will feel awesome. But even if he doesn’t indicate that he reciprocates your feelings, you should feel awesome anyway, because you have been assertive and said how you felt which is a really brave and cool thing to do - something that he will recognise even if he’s not that into you if he is someone worth your interest. If he’s not able to respond in a civilised way, then you’ll know that he’s not worth your time, anyway. So basically? You win, whatever the outcome.

JHE Solves Your Relationship Problems: ‘I still like him; I don’t think he is consciously trying to be mean’

Dear Jean,

Some months ago my boyfriend left me for a friend of mine. We were living together but I have been abroad this past year (dealing with my father’s estate). Since we broke up, he has stayed living in the house I own, as I am still abroad. I recently learnt, however, that his father (who I dislike intensely) and his new girlfriend have recently moved into my house as well. I know I am probably being exploited but I do still have feelings for him. And I am hopeful that maybe we can get back together. My friends say I am insane and that I should kick him out immediately. But I don’t know what I want to do. I still like him, I don’t think he is consciously trying to be mean. I’m also worried about what will happen to the dogs we co-own if I kick him out. One of them I co-own with him and his new girlfriend owns another.

What do you think?

- Hortensia.

***

JHE Solves Your Relationship Problems: Post-dated jealousy

Dear Jean,   My boyfriend and I have been together for three years now, and we live together. He is still in touch with an ex-girlfriend, who I’ve met and who is always very nice to me and makes sure I don’t feel threatened by her. I also know that my boyfriend and her are just friends, and neither of them are the type to cheat, and my boyfriend is also a terrible liar, so I would know if something was up. But. We live in a different town from his ex, and he recently suggested that she come and visit us and stay in the spare room! Oh my God! For all the reasons mentioned above, I feel I have no right to say ‘no’, and I don’t want to be the bitchy paranoid girlfriend who forbids things. But there is no way in hell I want her to stay here. What shall I do?
- Not A Bitchy Paranoid Girlfriend
***
Dear Miss Not A Bitch,
The trouble with these kinds of situations is that your fear of seeming bitchy and paranoid can often cause you to delay having these conversations in the hopes that our gentleman friend will magically figure out how we feel and fix it without our intervention.  And then when he doesn’t magically figure it out, because you haven’t told him, you then become even more annoyed not just because he is suggesting something unacceptable, but because he is apparently insensitive, and then the next thing you know you’re getting all shouty with each other and you have to lie down in a darkened room with a bag of frozen peas on your head just to recover from the hysteria.
No, it is not cool in our liberated modern age to ever acknowledge that your partner’s friendship with an ex makes you feel nervous, or jealous, or whatever. But the fact remains that most people are not going to feel delighted about maintaining an intimate friendship with someone who their boyfriend or girlfriend used to love. It’s kind of the price you have to pay for love: only very rarely afterwards are you able to maintain a close friendship when it’s over that is on a par with your friendships with people you’ve not romanced. Even if you are certain that the ship has long ago sailed for your boyf and his ex, the fact remains that it is easy to feel a bit envious of the time that they spent together - time that you will never have with him. It’s sort of post-dated jealousy, and while it’s important not to become obsessed with it, you needn’t pretend that it doesn’t exist,either.

So stop prioritsing being cool over being honest about your feelings. Tell him, calmly and kindly, that you’re not comfortable having her stay in your house. ‘Darling,’ you should say, ‘you know I think that it is great that you and Matilda* are friends - I really like her too - but I am just not comfortable with her staying here with us. I hope you can understand.’ Simple, clear, non-hysterical. Then offer to help her find somewhere else to stay nearby.

[*Substitute name of the ex-girlfriend in question if she is not actually called Matilda]

JHE Solves Your Relationship Problems: Limited Friends?

Dear JHE,

I have an internet etiquette question; maybe you can help me. What does one do if an ex-boyfriend of one randomly invites one to be friends on Facebook? One does not want this ex to snoop through pics etc, but also does not want to be a bitch since its like a looooong time ago. Limited profile or reject? If reject, then with or without explanation?

- Anonymous

***

Dear Anonymous,

Well, let’s see. If you do not add this person on Facebook then he might (in the worst case scenario) be in a huff and not speak to you. Much like he doesn’t speak to you now. Win!

Seriously though: for some reason we have allowed ourselves to be bulldozed (and to bulldoze each other) in to frequently bombarding ourselves with contact with former lovers because we are more afraid of seeming uncool than of looking after our feelings. What’s up with that? While it’s undeniably a good thing that a breakup no longer means you can never again speak to someone you once loved and still appreciate, it also presses us to pretend that there are never times when we actually do need to free ourselves entirely from our former partners, which can be quite emotionally wearing.

So! I hereby declare today to be DEFRIEND YOUR EX DAY (2009): stop putting yourself in a situation where photos of him with his new girlfriend or of her with her husband can randomly pop up in your web browser; defriend, defriend, defriend. This doesn’t mean that you aren’t necessarily friends in life; it just means that you are taking a little stab at being kind to yourself (and probably kindest to them) by not permitting yourself to be distracted by these peculiar preoccupations and worries that Facebook (or your other social networking tool of choice) has prompted us to create for ourselves.

JHE Solves Your Relationship Problems: What Part of ‘Over’ Don’t Your Understand?

Dear Jean,

I have been dating ‘Malachy’ for about 6 months. He’s a nice guy, but it’s never been great. We argue all the time, get irritated by each other’s quirks, have different outlooks on where our lives are going, etc.

So I broke up with him last week. That was fine until he showed up at my flat the next day to ‘pick something up’, and started telling me how we’re meant to be together. I basically had to dump him again. Two days later he called ‘to talk’, which  involved my having to break up with him again. Since then he’s texted several times saying he really needs to see me. I’m trying to be nice and sensitive and all, but I don’t know how many ways there are to tell someone it’s over when they won’t listen. Help!

Breaking Up Is Really Hard to Do

***

Dear Miss Hard,

Now, while I generally disapprove of many of the traditions of loving that our ancestors endorsed (no sex before marriage, wives obeying husbands, et cetera) there is one thing that they used to do well, and that was finalise a break-up: you mailed your love letters back and that was it. Over, done, c’est fini.

Unfortunately, it is apparent that there is no equivalently symbolic act that you can use to demonstrate to Malachy that you really want to stick a fork in your relationship. It is also apparent that perhaps your perception that things weren’t going well might be a bit one-sided - either that or he’s a glutton for punishment. But he seems keen to try to continue the relationship and though you might well be certain that you’ve made the correct decision, it’s important to be symapthetic with the fact that sometimes a relationship that feels totally wrong to one person can feel OK to the other one, which might explain in this case his reluctance to move on.

Now, you haven’t told me exactly the correct script that you’ve used in the course of these multiple break-ups, but his behaviour would suggest that you may not be being clear enough. Are you using Himglish or are you using Femalese?

Himglish: You are nice, but I do not want to go out with you any more. So I am afraid that we can no longer go out with each other. I have made this decision and I know it is the correct decision.

Femalese: Um, yeah, here’s the thing - I really like you, you are soooo lovely, but I just think that, hm, maybe this is not really the best thing for both of us? And perhaps we should do something else, like no longer see each other romantically? Maybe?

The trouble with the latter style of dumping is that while it is clearly more sensitive to Malachy’s feelings (which is very sweet of you), it also gives him a lot of room for doubt, and justification for hope that it could work out after all. That he keeps flogging this dead horse indicates that he thinks that there is still hope for the two of you.

But your letter indicates that you do not hold any hope. And for that reason, Miss Hard, I’m going to recommend that you’ve got to be cruel to be kind. Malachy is obviously feeling quite bad about this situation and he needs to know that it is really, truly over in order for him to begin the process of getting over you - which hopefully he will do sooner rather than later so that he will one day be prepared to find someone more suited to him.

As you’ve already done him the courtesy of breaking up in person and that failed, I will permit you to use the telephone: phone him up, ask him if it is an OK time to talk (don’t do it while he’s obviously at work, for example), tell him that you are very sorry, but your relationship is absolutely, unequivocally over, and that you think it will be best for both of you if you have a period of no contact now. And then? Don’t contact him, and if he tries to contact you, do not respond. Delete his phone number; defriend him on Facebook; change your routine if it’s likely that you’d run in to him as you go about your day. Does this mean that you’ll never have any kind of friendly relationship ever again? No. But you do need space from each other now, and as it’s clear that Malachy is not going to initiate it, you need to assert your agency in this situation and make it happen.

JHE Solves Your Relationship Problems: Saying No

Dear Jean,

I just got a text from a guy I met last week when out with some friends, asking me for drinks Thurs or Sun. He’s very nice but I’m completely not interested. But I would like to be friends. How to proceed? I am thinking of inviting a mutual male friend to attend the drinks, to give sense of non-romantic intentions…. whaddya think?  Or should I text back ‘happy to go for drink as friends?’ and be a total asshole…?

- Just a Friend

***

Dear Miss Friendly,

Imagine the situation was reversed: you asked this guy on a date (yes, imagine you liked him), he accepted and then turned up with another woman. You would think, ‘I can’t believe he brought another woman on our date! How humiliating!’ Then you would have to sit through an excruciating couple of hours and shuffle home, feeling all slumpy and bewildered and wondering why he hadn’t just let you know beforehand that he wasn’t feeling romantic about you instead of being all passive-aggressive about it.

Now, imagine you asked him on a date and he said something like, ‘Hi, of course it would be fun to meet up but at risk of being presumptuous, I’m really not looking for anything romantic right now’. You would think, ‘oh, that’s kind of humiliating, and rejection is never nice, but at least I am being humiliated/rejected directly on my phone rather than passive-aggressively in a bar’. And then you would text back something like, ‘oh, not presumptuous, but yes, would be fun to get a pint this weekend anyway’ and you’d go for a drink and maybe become pals. Or you could respond, ‘No, of course no romantic intentions’ and you’d go for a drink and maybe become pals. Or you could even respond, ‘Yes, well, really I only want to hang out with you if it will one day lead to us sleeping together, so never mind.’ And then you would probably not become pals, but that would be OK too.

Which of these scenarios would you rather find yourself in? Exactly. So make that happen for this nice man who, while perhaps undateable in your opinion, deserves to be treated kindly.

JHE Solves Your Relationship Problems: Is She Flirting?

Dear Jean,

I got this email from a woman I loved from afar six years ago. We were in college together - well, actually, I was an undergraduate and she was doing her PhD - and we got back in to contact on Facebook:

(…)

So what I am wondering is: do you think she is flirting with me?

- Hopeful That She Is

***

Dear Mr Full of Hope,

You will notice that I’ve not actually reproduced the email in question. This is partially because I wish to protect the identity of the writer, but mostly because the content of the email is quite straightforward and explicable and too boring for anyone else to read: it’s about how you and she are going to meet up for coffee when she is in town next week. This lady has mastered Himglish.

But just because the email itself is dull doesn’t mean that the issue isn’t piquant. For there is a lesson for us all, here. You can be forgiven for your confusion, Mr FoH, because you want her to be flirting with you. And when we want to be flirted with, it is natural to try to put a romantic spin on an innocuous message, even if it an inaccurate spin.

The fact is, however, that most of us actually have better instincts for identifying flirtation than we think we do: if you’re honest, you know that you pretty much know when someone like you. And you are also probably quite aware that if you have to ask Jean Hannah Edelstein, relationship expert, if someone is flirting with you, than you know that she isn’t. Think about the last time you fancied someone. Did you flirt with her in an oblique, mysterious way, or did you stutter and blush every time she looked at you and touch her forearm too much? Right.

But if you are still confused, then here’s my acid test for flirtation: pretend that the email is from your best platonic friend (or your mum): someone with whom you have a jolly relationship, but upon whom you do not have a crush. If necessary, you can always copy and paste it into a new document and stick his or her name at the end. Now, read it again. Does it seem flirty? There’s your answer.

JHE Solves Your Relationship Problems: Did I Mention The Boat Shoes?

Dear Jean,

I was just asked out by a gay guy. I met him at my friend’s book launch last week, and he was wearing boat shoes without socks, and we got in to a heated discussion about who was the fittest male character on Gossip Girl, and he even admitted that he thought that Chuck Bass is hotter than Blair. Definitely gay, right But now he has texted me to ask me out. Did I mention the boat shoes?

- Without Socks

***

Dear Miss Sockless,

Maybe, although I would suggest that his apparent expression of romantic interest in you is a strong case for him not being gay. Look: if you were writing to me because you were concerned that the man you were about to marry was gay, my advice might be different, but in fact I think at this early stage, one could argue that his sexual orientation need not preclude you from joining him for a drink if you would like to see him again. Even if he was definitely straight, it could fall horribly flat; even if he is definitely gay, you could have a lovely time and become fast friends.

Then again, if your impression that he is not attracted to you (or members of your sex) makes you find him unattractive, then of course you are also welcome to politely decline the invitation, just as you can politely decline it (note, ‘politely’ means not actually citing these reasons) it if you found him unattractive for being a Republican or an inveterate meat-eater or brown-haired or whatever. Don’t worry about hurting his feelings too much at this early stage. Though he might be disappointed, he will also be OK: there are plenty of women out there who fancy a man in a boat shoe, even sans appropriate hose.

JHE Solves Your Relationship Problems: With Him, I Still Don’t Know

Dear Jean,

It’s me again, Miss Frustrated, and I wondered if you would be able to translate my recent communication with Horatio.

I had emailed him before I had asked you for your advice and said that I had a half day this Friday, and was going out with some friends in London if he wanted to come along (as he is currently not working). He answered saying that it sounded great but he would have to see on how money was going, etc.

Anyway, I texted him yesterday and asked him if he was able to make it. He replied that he couldnt do Friday, but could meet up Saturday evening if I was around. I said yes, I would be, and he answered “Cool, meeting a couple of mates for lunch so will be cool to meet up early evening.”

Does this mean that he will be out for the entire evening? And does this also mean that we will be alone (in all the time I’ve known him we haven’t ever gone out together!) and if we are alone how do I behave?!!! Please translate his Himglish!!!!

- Still Frustrated in SW2

***

Dear Miss Frustrated,

“Cool, meeting a couple of mates for lunch so will be cool to meet up early evening” means “cool, meeting a couple of mates for lunch so will be cool to meet up early evening.”

It does not mean, “Great, let’s go on a romantic date on Saturday evening!” or “Let’s hang out alone on Saturday evening,” but it also doesn’t mean “I don’t like you at all, weirdo.”

But keeping in mind the fact that you invited him out ages ago and then had to chase him to find out whether he was going to get involved (is this behaviour you’d tolerate from one of your close girlfriend? Maybe, but you wouldn’t be impressed), it seems clear that he is happy to hang out with you but not clear that he reciprocating your feelings of intense excitement and affection - at least not at this point.

Think about this: if the situation was reversed and he invited you out, how excited would you be? Very excited, I think, which is totally understandable. But does he seem to be reciprocating your enthusiasm? I’m afraid not. Should he be? If something romantic is going to happen between you, I think yes. I don’t think anything has changed for Horatio from when you last wrote: he likes you, but he is not crazy about you at the moment and it’s unlikely that he wants a relationship with you. And in light of the fact that you are crazy about him I continue to recommend that you tread carefully in order to keep yourself from getting hurt.

Now, as for this weekend: well, first of all I’d suggest giving him a call to confirm your plans, because ambiguous text messaging is only going to frustrate you more.  Then, once you have determined where and when you are going to meet, arrange to meet up with some other friends a couple of hours later in a setting where you could quite easily invite him to come along as well. Then, in the chance that he does want to make a long night of it with you on Saturday, he can join you when you go to meet your friends, and you’ll still get to spend time with him, and feel slightly less stressed over the question of whether you’re on a date or not. But if he’s not planning on staying out with you, having plans to follow your ‘early evening’ rendevous means you won’t be left feeling like you’ve been left in the lurch, having cleared your whole evening for him.