In today’s latest incisive Daily Mail critique of feminism, we learn that men can forgive themselves for cheating, but not their female partners. Oh, it seems they are saying, for the olden days when men could screw around as much as possible and always be forgiven by their wives who stayed at home wearing clean aprons and scrubbing?
Because I think that Philip Hodson’s statement goes for women, too: it’s for ever easier for us to make excuses for our own behaviour - which we have agency over, of course - than for the behaviour of other people, even if we are guilty of the exact same crappy thing. Perhaps the apparent ease with which women forgive is driven more by the social expectation that we will forgive, and the fact that research shows that women tend to be more disadvantaged (economically, socially, emotionally) by broken relationships, which may act as a discincentive for us to leave.
Anyway: my view on forgiveness? It’s a fine thing to do, if that’s what both of you want - remember, to forgive is not a unilateral decision, because the perpetrator needs to be able to accept forgiveness and move forward as well.
The most important thing to remember if infidelity cuts a swathe through your relationship is that you need to base your decisions about what’s going to happen on the future on as much clear thinking and genuine self-awareness as possible. That means not letting your fear of what other people will think about you (‘oh, but they’ll all judge me if I say with him’) be an influence, not letting your sex influence you (‘oh, but I’m a woman, so I should forgive’/’men dont’ forgive this kind of thing’)and communicating clearly what you need from your partner for the relationship to continue - not trusting that he or she will simply figure it out.
