Dear Hortensia,

First of all, let me offer you my deepest sympathy. It sounds like you are going through a very difficult time in your life and it is understandable that you are looking for the best in your ex-boyfriend because you need people close to you to be good people who are loving and supportive. But his behaviour - regardless of what he says to you - demonstrates that he is neither of those things. Whether or not he is being intentionally mean is of no consequence, because he is in any case being remarkably and unacceptably selfish - if it is not intentional cruelty, it still extreme cruelty and you need to realise that you deserve better than that.

Now, it seems to be there are three issues here: 1. You want to get back together with him. 2. He lives in your house with his girlfriend and his horrible father. 3. The dogs.

1. OK, you want to get back together with him. Have you told him that? In light of the fact that he is now living with his new girlfriend, I expect that if you say that you want to get back together, he will reject the idea. It sounds like you are instead attempting to win him back by being incredibly generous and almost martyr-like in your behaviour. That never works. My suggestion? Either tell him that you want to get back together, and wait for his response - which will likely be negative - and then move forward from there with the knowledge that it’s not going to work. Or else, you could accept that all signs pointing to it not working and move forward without having that conversation, which I think you know is going to be awkward and disappointing (because otherwise you would have had it already, not written to me).

2. Get him out of your life: and the first step to that is getting him out of your house. Seriously. I know that you still like him and that’s understandable - we’ve all been in these situations where a relationship goes all wrong but it is hard to let go of everything lovely about the person with whom things are wrong. But the fact is that he is now a person who is not enhancing your life in any way (indeed quite the opposite) and thus he should no longer be part of it. This doesn’t mean that you have to regret all of the time you’ve spent with him thus far, but simply that the period of time in which you could be good to each other has sadly ceased. So, you need to go professional on him: check with someone who knows about tenancy laws where you live, but basically send him a formal notice that he needs to vacate the property in a month (or whatever the standard notice period is where you are). He will then likely respond with a number of reasons why he can’t leave, such as poverty, laziness, enjoyment of the view from your flat, six months worth of soup in the freezer to eat. Whatever. Ignore it. He stopped deserving your friendship and sympathy a long time ago and thus this is now a business transaction and he is no longer a satisfactory tenant. If necessary, hire a lawyer or talk to a legal aid advisor.

3. Your dog. If you want the dog, you should probably tell him that you need him to give you the dog. He gets his girlfriend’s dog (that dog, though you may love it, is unfortunately none of your business so do not fret about it). Do not agree to any kind of shared dog ownership with him. Bring a friend (or two) with you to offer moral support when you go to get the dog. But ultimately, if this doesn’t work, then I’m afraid that you might have to give up the dog. This is AWFUL, I realise - I adored my dog and it would have been heart-wrenching to have had to give her up. But ultimately what you need to do here is preserve your own well-being first and foremost by ceasing contact with this man and reclaiming your life, and if that means you might have to stop having a relationship with the dog as well, then I’m afraid that might have to be your final option.

The bottom line is that you have to be kind to yourself and that means getting yourself out of this situation as soon as possible so that you can properly begin the process of healing and even, one day, of finding a new partner who will give you the love, support and respect that you deserve.

Best,

Jean