Mariella Frostrup, Observer Magazine, 16th August 2009 (http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/aug/16/dear-mariella-frostrup-relationships)

Oh, Mariella. Generally, I like Mariella: she is also from the ‘don’t be a jerk, to others or yourself’ school of relationship advice that we endorse here in the realm of Himglish and Femalese.

But in responding to this letter in which a woman declares that she’s lost faith in men in general, thanks to a boyfriend about whom she was super keen breaking up with her, telling her that he wants to be friends with her, and then getting together with his flatmate, (who she suspects he was actually having a thing with all along), I think she has missed an important point.

Mariella rightly makes the point that the disappointed woman should likely focus on the fact that, unfortunately, she fell in love with the wrong person, rather than extrapolating from this hideous experience that all men are crap; indeed, it is a waste of energy. But being pleased that he wants to be friends implies that the man in question has all of the agency and all of the value, that the woman should be happy with him setting the terms for their relationship, if any.

While there are cases where lovely friendships can be eked from the rubble of a relationship, most often, they can’t - and that’s OK. The fact of the matter is that trying to forge a friendship with someone you loved who didn’t love you back can often be a very soul-destroying activity: even if he or she is a very lovely person, the fact is that they will never be quite as lovely as a friend who hasn’t broken your heart. So, dear broken-hearted people: feel perfectly entitled, if you like, to spurn an ex’s desire of friendship: if he or she cannot be in a relationship with you on the terms that you need, there is no need for you to feel compelled to dial down your requirements to his or her level when your energy can be devoted to more satisfying friendships with other people. It doesn’t mean that you’re bitter; it means that you are being kind to yourself and not forcing yourself to be in a situation that irritates unhealed wounds in order to make your ex happy (which, if you are very honest about it, you may well be doing in the hopes that he will realise how great you are). In other words? Yes, my darlings: defriend.