JHE Solves Your Relationship Problems: Post-dated jealousy

Dear Jean,   My boyfriend and I have been together for three years now, and we live together. He is still in touch with an ex-girlfriend, who I’ve met and who is always very nice to me and makes sure I don’t feel threatened by her. I also know that my boyfriend and her are just friends, and neither of them are the type to cheat, and my boyfriend is also a terrible liar, so I would know if something was up. But. We live in a different town from his ex, and he recently suggested that she come and visit us and stay in the spare room! Oh my God! For all the reasons mentioned above, I feel I have no right to say ‘no’, and I don’t want to be the bitchy paranoid girlfriend who forbids things. But there is no way in hell I want her to stay here. What shall I do?
- Not A Bitchy Paranoid Girlfriend
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Dear Miss Not A Bitch,
The trouble with these kinds of situations is that your fear of seeming bitchy and paranoid can often cause you to delay having these conversations in the hopes that our gentleman friend will magically figure out how we feel and fix it without our intervention.  And then when he doesn’t magically figure it out, because you haven’t told him, you then become even more annoyed not just because he is suggesting something unacceptable, but because he is apparently insensitive, and then the next thing you know you’re getting all shouty with each other and you have to lie down in a darkened room with a bag of frozen peas on your head just to recover from the hysteria.
No, it is not cool in our liberated modern age to ever acknowledge that your partner’s friendship with an ex makes you feel nervous, or jealous, or whatever. But the fact remains that most people are not going to feel delighted about maintaining an intimate friendship with someone who their boyfriend or girlfriend used to love. It’s kind of the price you have to pay for love: only very rarely afterwards are you able to maintain a close friendship when it’s over that is on a par with your friendships with people you’ve not romanced. Even if you are certain that the ship has long ago sailed for your boyf and his ex, the fact remains that it is easy to feel a bit envious of the time that they spent together - time that you will never have with him. It’s sort of post-dated jealousy, and while it’s important not to become obsessed with it, you needn’t pretend that it doesn’t exist,either.

So stop prioritsing being cool over being honest about your feelings. Tell him, calmly and kindly, that you’re not comfortable having her stay in your house. ‘Darling,’ you should say, ‘you know I think that it is great that you and Matilda* are friends - I really like her too - but I am just not comfortable with her staying here with us. I hope you can understand.’ Simple, clear, non-hysterical. Then offer to help her find somewhere else to stay nearby.

[*Substitute name of the ex-girlfriend in question if she is not actually called Matilda]